Sometimes I think what I need is a you intervention.
2008-05-14 // 7:05 a.m.

It's been a loooong time since I updated and the only reason I have time to do this is because it's 7 am and my cleaners are here, so I'm up. Poor Gussie isn't really the scaredy-cat type, but he doesn't know these people, so he's sitting under my chair while I type and peering towards the noise in the kitchen. The only person that Gussie really loves (I am The Person Who Feeds Him) is Gina. When she's here, he stares at her adoringly and cries if he can't sit next to her. She has never owned a cat, but she's equally in love with my little boy. Who wouldn't be? He's so freakin' small and cute and a total baby.

I have started packing up the apartment and D-Day is set for June 27. I have had some minor freakouts about this. I am not the suburban type, as I think we all know. Luckily, we're only going to be in her apartment for two months before we move to the new town, which is beyond adorable and only 1 hour to work, instead of the monster 2 hours each way commute I'm going to have for eight weeks. I start getting really overwhelmed about finding a new apartment, but have to remember that Gina is equally invested in looking and that one of my Board members lives in the area and has offered to help us find something.

I'm sure it'll come as no surprise to anyone that I haven't made a meeting in...god, who knows? I've been stuck in this really dark place since March. It's been death death death all over and frankly, I just can't handle anymore loss or emotion. There's so much upheaval in my life. My move. My parents are moving to North Carolina for nine months out of the year (and I have no idea how I'm going to get down there, since I don't fly). Everything seems to be changing and I have no control. I hate that so much.

And work is just - so annoying. I feel like I've lost my joy. And we're all so overwhelmed and there's no public funding and I'm freaked out. Yesterday, my ED really came down on my department, telling us that he wants us to be "voracious" and "working smart." I agree - I think one member of my department is an idiot and doesn't do ANY work - but I just thought, I'm on my Crackberry 24/7, I have no life, I'm always working. What more can I do? I'm working TWO JOBS. I plan these huge events and I do PR/Communications. It's a huge load and I'm getting really bogged down as I get more responsibility. They are supposedly hiring a new person to handle the PR/Comm so I can just focus on events, but how? With what money?

I'm just so discouraged right now and so unfocused. I want to run away. I begged Gina to move to New Mexico so I could have some adventure, but she keeps saying that I can't run from things and that it's time I settle down. I want a fresh start, a change of scenery, some adventure. It'll be 10 years in NYC this October. Isn't that settled enough?

I've got to start flying - maybe that'll help the boredom. My best friend is 14 weeks pregnant in Chicago. I've just got back in touch with an old friend in London (who has also given up drugs and has become the most amazing person). I want to see LA and San Fran again. I want to go to the Grand Canyon.

Maybe I should just stop my whining, get on a plane, and try being adventurous in moderated spurts.

Thank God for therapy tonight.

And to end on the hope - as Ellen always taught me - I got my Madonna tickets early since I'm a member of the fan club. We're all going October 7 - and I finally have seats on the floor. I'm going to be up close and personal to Her Royal Madonna-ness and I couldn't be happier.

What I'm reading: All the Kay Scarpetta novels in chronological order.
What I'm hearing: It's time to get your hands up...it's time to get your body moving.
What I'm learning: I feel blocked.

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fierce // fabulous

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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14