On the turning away....
2008-03-02 // 7:47 p.m.

I was going to apologize for my lack of entries over the past week, but I'm so repulsed by this new DLand look that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get excited by adding an entry. Ewww. I mean - EWWWWW. Come on, Andrew, I've got a marketing background and even with those half-forgotten skills, I know you should survey your client base and get feedback from random peeps, not just your friends.

Super super super ugly.

My past week was also super ugly. I had late nights at work Monday through Thursday, not getting home before 10 pm each night. I was exhausted and my nerves were frayed. I finally called in sick on Friday only to be slammed with conference calls and "emergencies" all day long. Just when I was ready to sound a frustrated GO FUCK YOURSELVES to my office, I got an email from my Executive Director, thanking me for working so hard on a sick day. Bastards. They always get me to capitulate in the end.

SNG had a sinus infection and tons of work to do and I had a totally messy and gross apartment, so we didn't see each other this weekend. It was nice, but I did miss her. It's looking like I'm going to move into hers on LI this summer. This is a difficult prospect in some ways - in other ways, I'm totally relieved. I've never moved in with a girlfriend before - they've always moved in with me, because I can keep control that way. Living outside the city area is also a strange concept to me and in an area that is predominantly white - and the two-hour commute in isn't going to be cute. However, it's temporary, as SNG plans to start in a new school in September and we'll move in closer to the city, cutting down my commute time door-to-door to 45 minutes, same as now in Brooklyn. I'll be able to swim in the complex's pool every day. I'll be able to sit on the balcony and have breakfast. No rats. No cockroaches. And if I hate Long Island, we'll just move to Brooklyn.

And the $500 a month for rent isn't too shabby either.

WLS update - I've plateaued and I don't really care. I'm eating normal foods now, but I keep shocking myself with the fact that I can only hold about half of what I once could. I barf A LOT. Like, more than I should. I really need to plan my meals better - I'm packing up cream of wheat packs for breakfast and for lunch tomorrow, I have a salad and some tuna with fat-free mayo. My fridge is empty, though, and that's dangerous. It's too easy to order delivery or pick up crap at the bodega. For instance, tonight, I got a 100-calorie pack of Oreos - and puked them all up. Nice.

The other big news is that I got a response from Ellen last night. After I finished crying - just my way of processing - I was able to really appreciate her response and realize that it's okay to let her go, because that's what she needs right now.

She said:

Dear Abby:
I'm sorry for the delay in getting to you. I need to take care of myself . I cannot sponsor anyone, I am choosing not to be involved in NA. I believe that my dues are paid in full and the only way I can control the anger and resentments I feel is to walk away. It's not you, I just cannot put forth the energy and time that you seem to need .
All these years I've been talking and talking and trying to walk the walk. And sometimes I've succeeded and sometimes not. Oh well. The time that you require is not time that I have. The energy that you need from me, I need to keep for myself. I'm falling in and out of dark times and challenged to stay in the Light. To do that, I have to change.
NA gave me the ability to get back into the world. Once there, it's been somewhat of a disappointment, but be here I must. I get to concentrate on me, my future and what Life is going to look like, I don't know, but I do know that in this moment, it does not include the fellowship.
One can never really lose what one has, unless one chooses to. What I learned within the confines of the NA can never ever be lost. But I need to test it in other areas of my life.
I can't give you program if I'm not in the program. What I want is that elusive slice of happiness that I've been unable to connect with. Before I leave this place, I want to know that I've lived to the fullest and that God is smiling.
But I can't do that without moving on. I know I did you wrong by dropping out. And I do apologize for hurting you from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. It took courage and I admire you for it. And I think it will help me deal with that area of my life where I would rather run away than say what's really up.
Some old habits die hard...
Wishing you all the best that life has to offer. Go for it. You have gifts to give the world. Give without thoughts of receiving.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost. And don't forget to pray.
Love,
Ellen

So. It says so much - but also really says nothing at all. I haven't responded yet, because I'm not even sure if I should - or what I should say. Part of me is relieved she's okay and not dead in a ditch - part of me is like, THIS is the only apology I get? I'm not worth enough to even talk to??? I'm also questioning if *I* should stay in Narcotics Anonymous. My brother told me to stay put because "those people saved your life." I know that before NA, I was in a terrible space and I'm grateful for being pulled out of being buried alive. But Ellen's leaving makes me think - is it worth it? Am I going to end up angry and bitter too?

I have a lot to think about right now.

What I'm reading: Landing, Emma Donoghue. Irish lesbian fiction. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
What I'm hearing: Some Nascar crap. Where the fuck is The Simpsons???
What I'm learning: I don't know, but it's a doozy.

(5) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous

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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14