Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
2008-04-06 // 6:20 p.m.

Okay, I've gotten a bunch of "where the fuck are you?" emails, so I'm updating. Don't worry, I haven't jumped off a bridge or barricaded myself in my apartment. I've actually been doing very well at work, having a really wonderful time with Gina and seeing lots of people. Did get a new sponsor - but haven't heard back from her in a month. Great. Same shit, different name. And I'm also dealing with a great deal of loss and it's doing my head in a little, you know?

I miss Bowie so much. I miss holding him and kissing his head. I miss him biting me around 6 am to wake me and feed him. I miss him greeting me at the door when I come home at night. Poor Gussie is clinging to me and for the few weekends, I've asked Gina to come out here to Brooklyn because I haven't wanted to leave him. I'm going to have to be gone this weekend, because we're going to Boston for my cousin's bat mitzvah. And I'll be gone for five days the week after because...

...my mom has thyroid cancer. She has a huge lump on her neck and has to have a thyroidectomy. Once the thyroid is taken out, she should be fine, but it's frightening. I'm going up there for the surgery. But the surgery may not happen, because...

...my grandmother is in serious decline and it's only a matter of days left. She raised me until I was three. It's been a terrible decline - dementia, unable to walk, etc. - but it hurts and it's awful and I have no clue how to deal with grief, I just want to hide from it...

...and my poor parents had to put their dog, Mickey, down this morning. He had lymphoma and lost control of his functions. They're heartbroken and the house seems empty without him. But wait, speaking of the house...

...the university where my father is a professor is $19 million in debt because of shit misappropriation of funds - and his contract runs out in December. The man is a genius and any university would want him - and they do. He's been offered a tenured position as a dean of a department of the University of N*rth C*rolina - about 2 hours away from my brother. That would mean nine months a year in a state where they don't know anyone - and then three months in Maine. But it means upheaval, selling the house, etc.

My parents are overwhelmed and practically catatonic right now.

As am I.

There is so much grief and loss.

I am also moving. I gave notice on my apartment and in July, I am moving in with Gina.

I love her. She makes me happy. And this is the woman I choose to spend my life with and have children with.

But giving up my independence? Not so easy.

I am stress-eating a lot and am stuck at 25 pounds gone in two months. I can't get another fill for three more weeks and I hate having to monitor myself so much.

The only things I get joy from right now? T'ai Chi and accomplishing a lot at work each day.

I'm on a short fuse and just not being as pleasant as I normally am.

And - I do check my stats. I know who is signing on to my diary. If you're reading - and you know I'm talking to you - do it out of love and respect. Don't do it out of the idea of starting shit. Because you'll be starting it and finishing it alone. That's for you to work on and figure out. I've let go so I can't be dragged.

Back to work. Big event on Wednesday. And I'm just emotionally done.

What I'm reading: Girls Like Us: Carole King, Carly Simon, Joni Mitchell
What I'm hearing: It's too late, baby, now it's too late. Though we really did try to make it.
What I'm learning: Grief. In all of its ugly manifestations.

(9) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous

www.flickr.com
This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from dragprincess. Make your own badge here.

Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14