There is no pain - you are receding.
2007-12-17 // 3:21 p.m.

Surgery is scheduled for Monday, February 4.

I start my liquid diet on Monday, January 21. That means I will turn 33 while on a liquid diet.

This also means that I will turn 34 next year and be at least, God willing, 100 pounds thinner than I am now.

This is exciting.

And frightening.

I have been very busy and unable to pick up my meds for the past five days from the pharmacy. I am now in severe Rage Mode, thinking that everyone is against me or putting me down subtly. Example - I feel that although I am a manager, especially for events, I am being asked to take on a sub-standard role at tonight's work event and am furious. Also, thanks to the Dept. of Education bitching and moaning, we have had to lose an office and people are getting shuffled around. Who gets fucked? Why, I do. Who does more than everyone else around here? Why, I do. I have to share my office now. Not okay. Not at all. Not even with a privacy screen.

Had a terrible drug dream, where I was smoking crack.

Had a worse dream that I went back to an ex and had to break up with SNG. This isn't surprising. I have been toying with breaking up with SNG for some time now. I'm not sure why. I think the surgery will tear us apart. I will get thin. She won't, because she doesn't like the idea of surgery. I am driven, ambitious, like living in the city, a fast talker, and brilliant. She is slow, happy as a speech therapist, loves the 'burbs, is slow and has word-finding difficulties, and while smart, not hip. At all. I made a comment yesterday about shopping at Barney's - and she didn't know what Barney's was. She talks too loud. She doesn't dress cute. She is permanently stuffed-up and nasally, although she is going to the ENT on Wednesday because it drives me crazy.

When I introduce her to people, I think, "Are they going to think less of me for dating her?"

She is incredibly sweet. She loves me. She wrote me a poem. She likes to take care of me. The sex is great. She listens when I get upset. Everyone loves her when they meet her. She's a terrific sport. She loves The Cure, Erasure and Morrissey. She loves Broadway musicals. She is beyond loyal to her friends. She's great with kids and animals.

I am an asshole, a self-centered asshole.

And I'm no great catch.

Perhaps I should take my meds. And figure this out then.

What I'm reading: The Kite Runner.
What I'm hearing: Nametags being put together by my assistant.
What I'm learning: I'm an asshole.

(4) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous

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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14