2008-03-12 // 9:14 p.m.

I know. I've been so suck about updating. In fact, I got a little email reminder from sassers to not hide under the covers and shake and cry and freak out. So, this will be brief, but I'll say that after extensive testing to find out why I've been crazy and cutting and crying and suicidal and generally not functioning and getting into serious trouble at work, it turns out that my meds completely stopped working after my surgery. Kaput. Nothing. There were some really harrowing nights - one where SNG had to drive 90 minutes to my apartment, arriving at midnight because I was hyperventilating and scaring myself.

Finally, I went to the doctor and started new and very strong medication on Monday. What a difference! I'm really focused, tons of energy and I don't feel like I'm being buried alive by my emotions. I'm cleaning up a lot of wreckage from the past month and I'm doing well, but I'm also working 14-hour days to make up for my shit. The Boss is pleased with how I've paradigm shifted, but I don't know if it's enough.

In the wake of four staff members leaving and the realization that I'm carrying an insane workload in a fragile state - I applied for eight new jobs last night. And got calls for two interviews for next week.

I don't want to leave. But I feel like I'm sinking on the Titanic. As one of my co-workers, who left for a different LGBT agency today wrote:

May none of you stay here longer than you are destined to, I learned painfully that you heart directs you everywhere, even to the door. So listen to your heart.

I'm listening to my heart. I have a Board member who is making my life miserable (and I'm sure I'm reciprocating the favor). For the past two days, I've eaten a grand total of 4 ounces of peanuts because I'm too stressed to eat. The work just keeps piling up and doesn't stop.

But on a good note - I have a new sponsor. That helps. And I was able to comfortably wear a pair of jeans this weekend that I haven't been able to fit into for two years. I keep hearing about how different I look. I've started yoga classes and I love them.

More this weekend - I have to get back to work.

What I'm reading: Emails.
What I'm hearing: The sound of my heart beating. Breathe.
What I'm learning: To follow my heart and instinct.

(3) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous
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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14