I could make you happy, you know, if you weren't already.
2008-01-28 // 7:48 p.m.

Whoa - it's been a few days since I updated. Sorry about that. I was busy being hungry and hating my life.

Kidding. Kind of. I'm on Day 8 of the 14-Day-Liquid-Diet-From-Hell and have only cheated twice. I'm 6 pounds down - not bad - but god, I am fucking hungry.

I had a terrific birthday, and thanks to everyone for their cards, gifts and shout-outs. I got to work and found these on my desk:

...along with a note saying, "Happy Birthday, Baby, I Love You." SNG scored major points on that one! Around 11 am, The Boss called me into her office and I opened her door to find the entire Department crowded in and on the table, instead of cake or cupcakes:

Jamba Juices! I had a delicious carrot juice with extra protein powder. It was such a sweet idea and I felt a little bit loved.

I then left work early to go to the hospital for pre-surgical testing. This freaked me out. I saw the anesthesiologist, who encouraged me to take Xanex before the surgery (no need to suggest twice!) and then had more blood drawn, another EKG and another chest x-ray. Seriously, NYU must be the best prepped hospital in the world, because they won't even touch me unless I've gone through all of this.

Friday night, we had our work holiday party - that's right. Only one month late, but that's the nonprofit world for you! It was a sit down dinner and luckily, SNG was there and really held my hand while everyone was scarfing down steak and potatoes and I ate my little plate of steamed veggies. Interestingly, I was able to dance for a long time without losing my breath - for the first time in a LONG time. Everyone was WASTED. The Boss was so far gone that she told me, slurring, "I love you a lot! A lot!" Oh lord. SNG and I had to take home one of the Directors in a cab because she was so blitzed. Interestingly - this person told me that she admired me for being able to be in social situations without drinking. You know, I kind of admire me too.

The weekend was kind of okay/not okay. SNG and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art , which was lovely. I hadn't been there in years, so it was nice to walk around, look at naked statues, and people-watch. Sunday was totally SUCK. As soon as SNG went home, I totally got fixated on bingeing, maybe to celebrate one week left until surgery? Who knows? I ate a bag of Doritos WITH ranch dip, passed out in a carb coma, woke up and ate a cheeseburger with fries and a piece of cheesecake. WHY??? I am such a retard.

I'm back on the game and doing okay today. I am going to send out an email tomorrow to all my loved ones, letting them know the details about the surgery, how to reach me, etc. If you want to be on the list, let me know - and if I don't have your contact info, send it along.

One week from today - I'll be BANDED!

On a separate note - there is something I need to process and I'm not sure how to do that. I'm carrying a really heavy secret in my heart and I feel like I'm being crushed. I can't get into any more detail about it, so I have to let these lyrics speak for me. Please note that I *HATE* Ani DiFranco, so you know it's a really bad situation when I turn to her lame ass for comfort.

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

What I'm reading: Candyfreak. Because I don't torture myself enough???
What I'm hearing: Britney, to help me get over the Ani lyrics above.
What I'm learning: How to not give in to hunger.

(4) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous

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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14