Help me forget all my worries...help me understand your plan.
2008-02-12 // 8:20 p.m.

Wow, even NYC looks beautiful when it snows.

I was supposed to be at an NA Area meeting, but the weather is so shit that we all took a group conscience and cancelled. I did get to sit in a car with a crazy Orthodox woman who told the Christian guys in the car that Jesus is "irrelevant" and that I'm not really Jewish because I'm reform and gay!! Fabulous! Luckily, I know who I am, so I was able to just brush it off with a "well, that's for you." Besides, if you're such hot shit, why are you a drug addict? I don't think Moses had any good points for being a drug addict. You may be descended from the House of David, but you're still a sick fuck, just like me.

And so on.

Of course, that little exchange makes me want to talk to Ellen. She's on AIM right now, but I know she won't respond to me. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions about the letter. %%diaryland-bindyree%% had a good look at it as well and provided some really tight editing and Jules had some good insights as well that she just sent me. The letter now reads as:

Dear Ellen,

I haven't heard from you now in nearly three months, so I thought it was time to check in with you. I'm also going to say some things I've been thinking about during your absence.

Someone told me recently about a Japanese proverb that goes, "When someone walks away, do not follow." I don't want to follow and I want to let you walk if you need to - but I miss you and I can't let you walk to far without trying to catch up a little bit.

El, it goes without saying that you've been the single biggest influence in my life over the past few years, maybe even my whole life. I have been blessed to have you as my sponsor and as my friend. You introduced me to spirituality; to the concept of loving myself and loving others; and how to be an upstanding woman with integrity.

Whenever you disappear, I become a divided person. On one hand, I'm terrified that something terrible has happened to you, that you're sick or hurt or upset; but on the other, I'm absolutely furious with you for not even having the courtesy to call me or email me and tell me that you are unavailable. YOU are the one who taught me that everything I do affects someone else - the irony here is that I'm emailing you to tell you that right back.

I want you to tell me what you want from me. Sponsorship is a two-way street...if something is wrong, I can listen. I've certainly listened to you before.

I know that you've had troubles. I know you are reconsidering your involvement with NA. In fact, that's one of the reasons I am writing; I want you to tell me whether or not you want to be my sponsor anymore. Ideally, I'd like you to keep sponsoring me, because I don't think anyone can do even half as good as you have. Who else can get me to listen and obey? Nobody.

But I also know that I won't do as well in my recovery with this uncertainty. I need to know you are dependable, or I need to cross my fingers and hope I find somebody else to do this with me. And remember, El, no matter what, you are ALWAYS welcome in my life even if the sponsorship arrangement needs to be changed.

I had my Lap Band surgery last week and trust me, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think, "I wish I could talk to Ellen." I'd love to tell you what's been happening!

I miss you, hooker. Everyone misses you. A lot of people in my life care about you too. So fucking come back to us, okay?

Love always,
Abby

Deep, right? I just want an answer. Some kind of closure.

So, in the meantime, you may have noticed (as Jules did) that I'm mentioning Vicodin a little too much in here. It's so true. I'm loving them way too much - and I'm planning on how to get more. And I didn't even mention the leftover Xanex that I'm holding onto.

I went back to work today - even though I wasn't due to - and I had a talk with The Boss, who has sort of become like a daytime sponsor. She said "A) make a meeting tonight and B) I want to see four Vicodin and three Xanex on my desk tomorrow." Aargh. I've got to send this email off to Ellen and if she says no more, I've GOT to ask someone to sponsor me. I do have someone in mind, but again, I NEED CLOSURE.

Things are a little funky at work. I have to work on being more powerful in my job - really analyzing proposals and being able to be forceful with my opinions. More on this as developments warrant.

I had to ask The Boss to walk me to the subway station in the snow. It was so cute...I took her arm and we walked. Of course, The Boss is 5"9 and about 115 pounds, so if I went down, you know her ass would be sprawling out on Broadway too.

And hey, let's end on a good note. I have now lost 19 pounds and boy, am I happy. I think some people are weirded out by the fact that I didn't come back from surgery looking like a supermodel (Evette said, "You look the same. I thought they sucked the fat out of you." Is everyone an idiot???), but others have commented how good I look. Ha. Ha ha ha. And it's just going to get better.

And only three more days until Mushies! And six days until the Spice Girls concert!

What I'm reading: Nada.
What I'm hearing: Tennessee, Arrested Development.
What I'm learning: How to ask for help when I need it.

(2) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous

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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14