The first step is to surrender.
2008-01-06 // 11:20 p.m.

HOW is it possible that I've had my period for over a week? It stops. Then starts. Then stops. Then, hurrah, started again!!

It was a very lame-ass weekend. I am stone-cold flat-out broke, and SNG had too many appointments to come out here and I was too broke to go out to her, so I was homebound and obsessing over food. I spent a lot of time talking online with Heidi and %%diaryland-bindyree%%, moaning about how fat I am and how I can't wait to have this fucking surgery. Seriously. I wish it was tomorrow. Part of me wants to pre-diet NOW and start losing NOW - and the other part of me thinks, am I nuts? Why would I restrict myself now, two and a half weeks before the liquid diet starts? I should eat everything in sight!

I felt awful about myself all weekend and the recurring menstruation didn't help. It's Evette's birthday tomorrow, and I was supposed to go to a party with her last night, but I felt too down. I hung out with her and her wonderful girlfriend for an hour, and then scampered back upstairs to obsess over food some more.

As you all know, I've been mourning the loss of my sponsor - AGAIN. I call Ellen once a week and leave her a message, just telling her what's going on for me and that I love her and I hope she's okay. I've put off doing my First Step because I was waiting for her. And you know what? I couldn't wait. I couldn't stay stuck in a holding pattern any longer. I did my First Step tonight with Evette and while I missed Ellen, I'm glad I did it. I needed that. And I was surprised at how good Evette was. I know her only as my crazy boricua spiritual sister, who constantly gives me unwanted lap dances. But she was excellent, giving great feedback and really listening. But check out this ghetto move - she said, "Let me make a fire in the fireplace" - I was like, what the fuck? She had a video from Urban Outfitters of a fireplace with a log fire! How hysterical is that??

I'm going to try and compose an email to her, explaining that I love her and that if she needs me to let her go, I will. I know this is her pattern - but she's the one who taught me that everything you do affects someone else. And her silences and her depressions and her moods really do affect me.

On to more worldly items - I'm depressed that Clinton is losing to Obama, because I don't think he has the experience to lead us and frankly, he leaves me cold. Britney is upsetting me with her actions. Do I need to go out there and kick her ass? I watched "The L Word" tonight and look forward to the fact that I might be able to get a body like those girls have at some point in 2008.

And for your viewing pleasure, I present Two Fat Cats. I snapped Bowie and Gussie in the middle of what appears to be private time on MY sofa:

Bowie looks like a bunny rabbit to me. He has the softest fur and he talks all the time. He's also a whopping 24 pounds.

Gussie is very small, but has a round belly now that he's off the streets and eats constantly. Even people who don't like cats love Gussie. SNG is a total dog person, but she and Gussie love to snuggle on the weekends.

Of course, no cat photo session is complete without Bowie surrendering and showing off his big fat belly. It's the fucking best thing in the world when you just feel like life is no longer worth giving a shit about:

What I'm reading: Nothing.
What I'm hearing: The B1 bus outside my apartment.
What I'm learning: How to move on.

(3) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous

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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14