2008-01-15 // 6:04 p.m.

I'm at work right now, trying to work on my job's strategic plan for 2008, but I'm distracted by the hunger (o hunger! my hunger!) and the fact that I have ANOTHER work dinner tonight, this time at Nero . I'm very down and depressed today, and the thought of having to put on my game face and be professional is making my eyes tear up.

Lots going on in my head. I'm struggling with food right now and with my fears about giving up food. And how's this for a mindfuck - imagine how happy I'm going to be. I'm going to dropping weight quickly - and I'm going to be looking so different. According to my surgeon, if I do as I'm instructed and add 30 minutes a day of exercise, I'm going to lose half my body weight in about 2 years. Even with a quarter of my excess weight gone in 6 months - 1 year, I'm going to be different.

It's overwhelming. It's overwhelming to think that I thought my life was over when Ginger and I ended in 2004. That I would never be better, that I would always be alone, fat, an addict, and miserable. How I thought I deserve this because she left me. As you can see, these upcoming changes have brought up some old issues that I thought had been put to rest. There's still anger there, there's still resentment. Why? I've made amends and peace with so much from that awful time. And I think a lot of what drives me today and what helped me to change so much - and we all agree, it's been an amazing change, absolutely astounding - has been my anger about how I conducted myself. As I of course learned in the First Step, I am powerless over other people's actions. It sucks that Ginger led me on for so long instead of just letting me go. It sucks that she stayed at my job instead of leaving and letting me be. It hurts that she moved on so fast. It hurts that she told me my weight made me sexually unattractive to her. That's left some very deep scars. But what does it matter? What was the flip side - stay together and stay miserable? How many nights did I sit on the sofa, crying because I was so unhappy with her? How many people had to tell me that I was making a huge mistake and that we were wrong for each other?

She was also funny, introduced me to country music, was a great cook, was good to animals and played video games really well.

When we moved to NYC, I clung to her because I had left behind my life in London. And I never stopped clinging and never made my own life here.

I'm angry because there's so much left unsaid. I'm angry because of MY actions. Her actions sucked - but I can't change how she views that or what she feels. All I can do is change ME. I never want to be that person again. I never want to be in a relationship with that kind of person again. I guard my heart so carefully these days. I make myself number one - nobody else.

Don't forget, I was equally awful. I'm never going to hit my partner again. I'm never going to put my partner down and tell them that they are worthless. I'm never going to make them think that if we break up, I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to destroy them. That's sick - and it's not who I am now.

And I'm never NEVER going to be too fat for someone to find sexually attractive again. I'm never going to try and change who I am FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO LOVE ME.

Doesn't this all sound so desperate and dramatic? I'm sure. But I am so determined and so grateful that I've been given now TWO chances to completely change my life. I'm clean, I work every day to live a spiritual and fulfilled life, I love my job. I love my friends. I love SNG. I'm having surgery and I'm going to be thin.

Sometimes, living well is the best revenge.

What I'm reading: The Nasty Bits, Anthony Bourdain
What I'm hearing: Pink Floyd.
What I'm learning: LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.

(3) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous

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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14