It's getting better all the time.
2008-02-11 // 4:41 p.m.

I'm practicing eating. By that, I mean that I just ate a cup of soup and even though the can makes 2 cups, I'm listening to my body and recognizing that when I get a tight feeling in the top of my stomach, that means I'm full.

I also STILL eat too fast. I don't know how I'm going to curb that.

And - I have this weird thing where I have to eat EVERYTHING at once. I don't know how to say, hey, I'm full, I think I'll just save the other half for later. For example - I just had a cup of soup. The other cup is still in the blender. I'm really full - even eating one cup was a little much. But I'm struggling with leaving the other cup just sitting there. I want it ALL, even if it makes me sick. So I just did something super-radical, possibly not economical, but here goes: I poured the other half down the sink. That's right. At this point, even if it's in the fridge, I think I'd get it right out and stuff it down. So let's say for the next two weeks, if I can't eat it - I throw it out. We'll see how I do after that.

I'm trying to stick to 1200 calories a day, but that might be too high right now. Doesn't matter, because I'm not really hitting it, usually around 1000. Right now, I'm drinking a cuo of milk because I'm desperate to get more protein in there. As soon as I get paid on Friday, I'm going to order some Unjury protein powder - it's supposed to be good. And did I mention that I had a freakout today because my port area is swollen and scabby and I *SWORE* the port was going to pop out. Luckily, the OH website ladies calmed me the fuck down - it's normal for the port to be swollen longer and it'll heal - it's only been 1 week since surgery!

Talked to The Boss today and told her that I'm coming in tomorrow. She's not so excited, thinks I'm pushing it, especially when I told her I might have to come in yoga pants, since I'm still swollen and my pants won't close! We'll see. It's going to be a long day tomorrow, as I also have Area from 7:30 - 9 pm, so I might bail around 4 pm tomorrow.

Still haven't worked on my Ellen email. It's just too depressing. Here's what I wrote earlier - any comments are welcome:

Dear Ellen,

I'm sure this email will come as no surprise to you. I haven't heard from you now in nearly three months and you have to know how hurtful that's been. While I've gotten used to you going silent and disappearing over the past 3 years, it just never gets any easier.

El, it goes without saying that you've been the single biggest influence in my life over the past few years, maybe even my whole life. I have been blessed to have you as my sponsor and as my friend. You introduced me to spirituality; to the concept of loving myself and loving others; and how to be an upstanding woman with integrity.

But I guess I'm not as strong as I think I am, because when you disappear, it affects me so much. On one hand, I'm terrified that something terrible has happened to you, that you're sick or hurt or upset; on the other, I'm absolutely furious with you for not even having the courtesy to call me or email me and tell me that you are unavailable. You are the one who taught me that everything I do affects someone else - well, I'm telling you that right back. If you need space, if you need time, hell, if you need to not sponsor me any longer, that's fine. Just tell me. Sponsorship is a two-way street...if something is wrong, I can listen. I've certainly listened to you before.

I know that you've had some really big upheavles lately. I know you've been very down and unhappy. I also know that you've been at a crossroads with regards to NA in your life. So I am asking you - can you continue to sponsor me? You have to know that I want you to be my sponsor, that I don't think anyone can do even half as good as you have. Who else can get me to listen and obey? Nobody. But I also know that I can't get any kind of recovery with this back and forth and uncertainty.

If you need me to go, tell me to go. If you can be in my life, but not as a sponsor, please reach out to me. If you can sponsor me, and can commit to that, that would make me so thrilled. I had my Lap Band surgery last week and trust me, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think, "I wish I could talk to Ellen."

I miss you, hooker. Everyone misses you. A lot of people in my life care about you too. So fucking come back to us, okay?

I love you,

What I'm reading: Nothing, I fell asleep and took a nap!
What I'm hearing: The Mexicans outside blaring some kind of hideous loud music.
What I'm learning: That I hate Mexican music.

(2) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous
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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14