There is no beginning and no end.
2008-01-01 // 5:14 p.m.

Happy New Year, all!

It's 2008 and I'm telling you, this is going to be a big year. A really big year.

I am now four weeks and three days away from my surgery - and only 20 days away from my pre-op liquid diet.

I've been cleaning like crazy and getting "surgery-ready" - SNG ferried me to Best Buy in outer Brooklyn and I picked up a new Nikon digital camera and a groovy new handheld blender/whisk thingy for my puree stage.

I also managed to make a meeting this week and pick up my 9 month keychain. I have not heard from my sponsor in nearly six weeks now and I'm starting to think - enough is enough. I love Ellen more than anything, and it's unconditional - but I also have to think about myself and my recovery. I may need to request a new and temporary sponsor. The problem is - who?

It's been a wonderful week and a half off work and I'm dreading going back tomorrow, although I do so with some new resolutions. I'm setting boundaries. I work very hard, to the point of exhaustion and burnout. This year, I am going to undergo major surgery and major work on myself - and I need to make time for meetings, self-care, exercise, etc. This is exactly what The Boss and others have been suggesting and I am going to make sure that I am able to concentrate and focus at work to reach a good stopping point every day so I can leave at a decent hour. I also work in a department that is less than concerned with arrival time in the AM - since we all work so much and often have after-work events - but I am going to be in by 9 am every morning and end my day at 5:30 pm as often as I can. And when I get comp days from The Boss, I am going to take them. For example, my next event tends to have meetings scheduled for Saturday mornings. The Boss suggested I take early days on Friday to make up for that - and I am going to. I think - and I hope - that I can still be seen as a hard worker without having to work an insane amount of time throughout the week.

I've caught up on a lot of sleeping and friend time, which is great. I haven't been connecting with ANYONE, so it was nice to see and talk to my peeps. I finally broke down and subscribed to Time Out NY and I'm really resolved to do at least one activity a week, be it during the week with friends or on the weekend with SNG. I live in the cultural center of the universe - shouldn't I be taking advantage? And what better way to see my friends than to invite them along with me?

I also spent the week reading bindyree's archived entries...and let me tell you - I learned so much just from reading her. Namely, that Brin really embodies the adage "To thine own self be true." I need to be more open and honest about who I am and not care so much about how others perceive me. Does everyone know that I'm a science fiction/fantasy dork? That I own all the Star Wars movies and that the "Robot Chicken" episode featuring Star Wars was so funny that I DVR'd it and watch it on days when I'm less than happy? And that I've loved the BBC series "Doctor Who" since I was a pre-teen, have a secret stash of episode DVDs, LOVE the new series on BBC America and harbor the fantasy of someday attending a convention? Of course, I'll have to do this by myself because nobody in my world even gets what I'm talking about. Consider this exchange between myself and SNG when I decided to come out to her as a Whovian:

Me [in a nonchalant but nervous tone]: Oh look, honey, it's an episode of "Doctor Who." I love "Doctor Who."

SNG: Doctor Who?

Me: Yes.

[....pause....]

SNG: Who?

Me: Yes.

SNG: Who?

And so on and so forth.

As I've said before, this is going to be a year of HUGE change. Namely, my body is going to change drastically. So, I'm going to be documenting and posting it all in this blog. I used to write for readership - but it seems that only about 10 people are left on DLand anymore - and now, I'm writing so I can remember and witness the changes. I'm going to do my best to post every evening, even if it's only a few lines or words to say hi. I'll also post this on LiveJournal, but for some reason, I'm just terrified of that site.

So that's it. In keeping with five years of tradition, here's my 2007 Roundup. Peace out, all, and a happy and healthy and sparkly New Year to you and yours.

1.What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

I managed and ran an event that raised nearly $1.2 million dollars. I participated in Landmark Education. I entered into a relationship where I'm honest, loving, and a decent listener.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year's resolutions were to make at least 3-4 meetings a week (FAIL); redo my Fourth and Fifth Steps honestly (FAIL); call my friends at least once a week (FAIL); find the joy again in recovery (SEMI-FAIL); and apply for a Master's in Public Administration (FAIL). The one success? I got on a plane!

This year? My resolutions are to lose 60 pounds by August, make time for myself and friends, set boundaries where needed, blog once a day if possible, and to live a good and spiritual life. Also - do the Advanced Course at Landmark and MAKE MEETINGS!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

An ex co-worker had a baby two weeks ago and my cousin is due to give birth next month. Two family friends also popped out little ones.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank god....

5. What countries did you visit?

None. Flying issues.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

No relapsing, more self-growth, more energy, and a thinner body.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 21 - my new clean date. March 24 - my first date with SNG. November 28 - my successful event and kicking it with C*ndi La*per.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting clean again after relapsing for a whole month. The November event above.

9. What was your biggest failure?

The relapse. Some work issues/my inability to pay attention to detail.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

The flu...that's about it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new video iPod! And the blender and digital camera.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

As always - mine! heidiann.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Again, mine. Ellen, because she's so unreliable. Dawn. Lillian - who called me from Riker's on Saturday. Big surprise.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent. Food (too too too much!). iTunes. Cabs (bad behavior).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My job. My promotion and raise. SNG. Getting a ticket to see the Spice Girls in February - a present from my ED.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

"Umbrella," Rhianna. "Rehab," Amy Winehouse. "LDN," Lily Allen. "All Thru the Night," Cyndi L.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?

Much happier!

ii. thinner or fatter?

The same - but watch this space!

iii. richer or poorer?

Richer - THANK GOD.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

More meetings. Flown on a plane. Done NA service.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Spent less money, ate less, spent less time hating myself.

20. How will you be spending New Year's?

Already did this last night - I made us a really nice dinner, we went to a party, kissed at New Year's, had hot chocolate, then came home and fell asleep.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Why, yes I did.

22.How many one-night stands?

One.

23. What was your favourite TV program?

"Doctor Who." "The Office." "You Are What You Eat." "Big Love."

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, I try very hard not to hate. I mainly feel pity.

26. What was the best book you read?

The Kite Runner

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The "Once" soundtrack. Amy Winehouse. Lily Allen.

28. What did you want and get?

A loving and fulfilling relationship. A raise and a promotion.

29. What did you want and not get?

Savings. A dog. A new apartment.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

"Once."

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 32, got my nose pierced, and had a quiet birthday dinner with two friends.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?

I should have kept up the self-work I did in Landmark, either through that or another outlet.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Reluctantly business. And dreaming of what I'll be able to wear after surgery!

34. What kept you sane?

Rumi. SNG. Jillian. noaddedme. janetplnetoc.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Madonna. Salma Hayek. Good ol' Johnny D.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The war. Gay rights.

37. Who did you miss?

Myself - how I was when I was in really good recovery. And Ellen - this seems to be a pattern every year.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

SNG. My friend Shannon from Landmark.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:

That even though I might fail sometimes, I am NOT a failure. To forgive my parents for any harm, real or imagined that they may have inflicted - they were simply doing the best they can.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

The first one is a poem, by Rumi (this will be my tattoo, after the phoenix one in March):

There is a way
of breathing
Thatís a shame and a suffocation
And thereís another way of expiring,
A love breath,
That lets you open infinitely.

And, of course, this summed up a good part of the first quarter of my year:

They tried to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no.
Yes, I've been black, but when I come back
You won't know, know, know.

I ainít got the time
And if my daddy thinks I'm fine
Heís tried to make me go to rehab
I won't go, go, go.

Iíd rather be at home with Ray
I ainít got 70 days
Cos thereís nothing, nothing you can teach me
That I can't learn from Mr. Hathaway

Didnít get a lot in class
But I know it donít come in a shot glass

Theyíre tryin to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no
Yes, I been black, but when I come back
You won't know, know, know.

I aint got the time,
And if my Daddy thinks im fine,
Heís tried to make me go to rehab,
I wont go, go, go.

The man said, why you think you here?
I said, I got no idea
I'm gonna, I'm gonna lose my baby
So I always keep a bottle near

Said, I just think youíre depressed
Kiss me, yeah baby
And go rest

Iím tryin to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no
Yes, I been black, but when I come back
You won't know, know, know

I donít ever wanna drink again
I just, ooo, I just need a friend
I'm not gonna spend 10 weeks
Have everyone think I'm on the mend

Itís not just my pride
Itís just til these tears have dried

Theyíre tryin to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no
Yes, I been black, but when I come back,
You won't know, know, know

I ain't got the time,
And if my daddy thinks I'm fine
Heís trying to make me go to rehab
I won't go, go, go.

What I'm reading: A Thousand Splendid Suns.
What I'm hearing: Background TV noises.
What I'm learning: Meeting makers make it.

(5) got something to tell me? confess!

fierce // fabulous

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Past entries:
You've got the moves, baby, I've got the motion. - 2008-09-14
More more more - 2008-08-31
More more more - 2008-08-31
Relapse. Again. - 2008-08-28
Moving on up.... - 2008-08-14